Saturday, January 24, 2009

The Four Cs

The kind of guy who could be my kind of guy wouldn't know about the Famous Four Cs. (I'm kinda ruining it for myself with this post but who cares, that's not my point right now.) Here's a quick primer... the Four Cs (which are color, clarity, cut, and carat weight) are basic factors when considering a diamond (as in a diamond ring, an engagement ring, duh!) But there is a lesser known fifth "C". Its cost which shouldn't even be verbally acknowledged (as to sound cheap and vile) is actually the most important factor these days. One has to be reasonable in this economy.

But I absolutely know that the kind of guy who remotely embodies any of these other Fours Cs is not my kind guy: creeps, cheaters, con men and clowns. Let's have a look shall we?

1. Creep: An obsessive with perverted tendencies who is always trying way too hard.
2. Cheater: Are you kidding me? Revolting. Weak. Total disregard. Just plain bad. Why does it (and I am including both genders here) even exist? (Though I have to admit that I was once highly addicted to that really awful cheesy reality show of the same name but it got old after 4 episodes.)
3. Con Man: A trickster, a one trick pony, a cult personality, one with a hidden agenda who speaks in self-help language and lacks any sense of real humor, who can't even laugh at himself and is utterly insecure yet proud (presumptuous much?)
4. Clown: A joker is the vilest and scariest brute ever to be placed on this filthy miserable world. (I believe that sitting on the lap of a clown when I was 9 at Raging Waters is the cause of this scorn.)

But my fifth "C" is something of a positive, something very dear to me and I welcome it with open arms as it's given me so much pleasure all these years. In some countries (though not of mine), this is a fun word, an easy word, a whimsical word. Perceived by some as a heavily tabooed word of all English words, it once was not obscene, not to Chaucer anyways. I'm reclaiming this word now, using it openly amongst friends. A long time ago, I once created a whole secret language with Mr. Bickerson based on this word but replacing the "c" with "b" (it's just a good letter) and thus rhyming everything with the word bunt. The possibilities were infinite. I mean I was endearingly referred to as "Bunty."

If this is anything as it usually tends to be nothing, it's the accommodating aid of alliteration.

Put a ring on it...